Poem: "The Bard Pitches Christine Vachon" at "Book of Matches"

Once a year, slam poet sensation (and longtime friend) Regie Cabico and I spend a month sending poems to each other by way of daily emails. It can be fun, it can be a chore. Really, it depends upon the day. Most of the poems I write aren't very good. But every so often, I'll come up with something that merits further attention. "The Bard Pitches Christine Vachon," was written on October 22nd, 2025, thanks to the heat of our self-imposed deadline. I've made one minor tweak to the final line since the day of this poem's composition but basically, it arrived fully formed, completed by 9:30pm ET. The poem was later picked up by Book of Matches: Literary Journal for their Fall 2026 issue. Some poems take ages to write. Others take an hour.

The Bard Pitches Christine Vachon

So here's the idea. What if

Shylock were gay. What if

he's loaning Antonio 3,000 ducats

because he's hot for Antonio's ass.

For Antonio's dick. What if that

is the pound of flesh. Hath

not a Jew desire? Hath not

a Jew needs? Hath not a Jew

fantasies with a capital F? No?

Then how about Othello. Wait.

Not Othello, Iago. Yes. What if

Iago wants more of the Moor

then the Moor wants to give.

What if he's tricking Othello

because he wishes Othello

were his trick. And his treat.

And what if the handkerchief

of Desdemona is Iago's cum-rag.

Too polarizing? Gimme a sec.

How about Romeo and Mercutio.

Romeo and Benvolio. Romeo

and Tybalt. Romeo and Paris.

The lot. They're young. They're hot.

Why shouldn't Romeo cruise?

He's young and exploring.

Swords are crossed. Blades

are unsheathed. It's already in

the text, I swear. And if not,

I can rewrite it in a night.

Photo Credit: The above image is a sepia-toned illustration of Shakespeare and his family circle engraved by George Edward Perine in 1890.